I just got home from the Austin House of Prayer and wanted to write this down so I don't forget how utterly amazing and gracious God was tonight. I fall down on my knees with love and gratitude for my King. Just when I think he couldn't be kinder or have shown me more mercy, he goes deeper, and surprises me more, loving on me more than I could ever dream possible. I was not expecting what happened tonight.
Joe Leake had invited me to the Austin House of Prayer (AHOP) b/c a few Gatewayers were going. I said I'd try but wasn't sure b/c I had the Ascending Leaders class at church til 8. I almost didn't go b/c I was a little stressed after class b/c we have homework, so I was working myself up over that wondering how I would get it all done. Kendra in my class suggested that maybe going the AHOP anyway might be just what I should do instead of stressing over the homework and making it a bigger deal than it actually is. We had just been talking in class about how when you seek intimacy with God FIRST, then all the rest is given unto you, i.e. all the other pieces fall in their rightful place. Sure, homework for the Ascending Leaders class is a good thing, but I see with clarity now that going to AHOP was God's best for me.
So I get to AHOP and there were a few dozen people there, singing, praying, praising in a concert of prayer style. Some people were standing, some sitting, some with heads bowed, some reading scripture. Kind-of like natural child birth you just do what feels natural to you personally at any given moment. It was a beautiful beautiful experience of guided and free-flowing individual and corporate prayer, with a woman playing keyboard and several singers singing and a prayer leader who leads the flow of prayer for the night.
I was so blessed to be a part of a group prayer that broke out spontaneously for the Gateway south campus launch. Someone lifted it up in prayer to the group over the microphone, so the leader asked all the Gatewayers there (about 7 of us) to join in a circle, then everyone else in the room joined around us and laid hands on us proclaiming God's favor, blessings, and protection over this fledging church-plant in south Austin. Beautiful things were said about what God is doing in people's hearts and lives through Gateway's sensitivity and graceful spirit towards seekers of all kinds. Someone prayed a beautiful prayer of protection over our pastors, specifically for strength and the number three, that perhaps there were three that unified together could not be broken. Our leadership team was lifted up in prayer, with Ecclessiastes 4:12 proclaimed on their behalf "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." This experience was so sweet and so special, to be lifted up by believers from churches all around Austin in singular faithful petition to our Father.
While it was going on a woman kept putting her hand on my head, shoulders, and back. She had such a warm, powerful touch, and was in fervent prayer behind me. I could feel her prayers going through me. The sound of her prayers was so sweet and so intimate, as if it were only her and God in the room. I sensed that she might have the gifts of knowledge and discernment, and as such that she probably sensed that God was about to use me to step out in faith, maybe even knowing I was going to the mission field. I sensed a deep connection with this sister, though I could not see her face, but could only feel her touch and hear her voice. Then she spoke a prayer asking for God's anointing over me. The last time I was at a similar style of concert of prayer was back in November praying for Muslims the last week of my Islam class, and on that night God led me to Isaiah 61:1 and Luke 4:18 where Jesus quotes Isaiah 61:1 saying "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppresed."
The issue of being anointed before one goes out to bring to the good news is one that has been on my mind a lot in these months. I wondered if that was only for "real missionaries," not someone like me who has felt unworthy and uncertain of the validity of my calling, due to old habits of self-defeating doubts and fear of others thinking I'm being foolish or even arrogant. Being anointed came to the forefront of my mind back in September when I visited my Grandma Knechtel in Chattanooga. We talked for hours and hours about her calling and her 40 years on the mission field of Brazil. She told me of her calling to international missions at age 14 (she felt called to Africa) and her subsequent crisis of consciousness (for lack of a better term) at age 19 where she dropped out of Gordon Bible college on the brink of nervous exhaustion and subsequently felt unequivocally unwaivered in her determination to enter the mission field without delay, against the "better" judgement of elders who thought she was too young, fragile, and untrained and should wait a few years. Luckily her pastor, his wife, and one elder woman thought differently and took her aside and prayed blessings over her and anointed her head with oil. They prayed that God would give them a clear sign as to whether or not she was to go to the mission field without returning to college. She went home that night feeling not much different, wondering how on earth she would recognize God's sign. She awoke the next morning early and upon looking at her hand, which had been covered in seed warts for years, and it was 100% healed, with totally clear smooth skin!!
Quickly she learned of an open position in Brazil and left for the mission field later that year. It was 1935 when she set sail on a 5-week boat trip to Brazil, where she would serve as a pioneer missionary in a territory unchartered by Evangelican Christians. She did not return home for a furlough break for 7 years. Lucky for me, she met my Grandpa Knechtel during those 7 years, so when she returned it was with a husband and two small children, my dad being one of them! I will tell you more about their ministry in Brazil on another blog entry another day.
So back to the fact that I was wondering, in my most private thoughts mind you, if God wanted me to be anointed before I went. During our prayer time we prayed in small groups for other churches around Austin. That's when I realized that the girl who had been praying for me earlier happened to be sitting next to me. I recognized her voice! What a blessing she was. So me, her and Joe prayed together. So then the prayer leader asked for those who had felt the warm tingling almost burning sensation in their palms to come up and be prayed for, because there were those in the room that were being called. I felt it but was surpised and confused and had that "who me?" feeling, but then Joe patted me on the back and led me up there.
Seriously, friends, what happened next blew me away and cannot really even be described to you here and now in writing. I just wanted to write it all down because like the Israelites I am such a creature of forgetfulness. A group of about 8 or 10 people gathered around me and laid their hands lovingly on me, and someone handed Joe a small glass bottle of oil. I couldn't believe it. God knew my heart, he answered my question before I ever verbalized it to anyone. I would not have requested anointing, because it did not seem like something someone should have to ask for. God knew that I needed it and arranged for it. He knows my every thought, he knows my every need, and he hears me when I call. Those song lyrics always make me cry when I sing them and they are so very very relevant to me right now. He hears me even before I call.
During the prayers for me someone else said they felt God giving them a message for me of His desire for intimacy with me and eternal unconditional love for me. Someone else prayed for that intimacy between God and I to be there not only for my relationship with Him but for my own protection as I set out on this journey, that I must remain in him for my own safety and for His will to be done through me. That's totally this week's verse from my Experiencing God devotions - John 15:5 "I am the vine and you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in Him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."
At the very end a guy named Steve who goes to Gateway prayed at my feet, for the "feet that bring Good News". How humbling and beautiful to receive. We conversed afterward about his own calling towards missions. Go with God, Steve, wherever he leads you, and remain in Him!
Now I'm home and overwhelmed and trying to process how a fluke night of randomly getting invited to AHOP and almost not going, and even getting lost because they moved it from the last time I was there three years ago turned into 2 hours of amazing prayer with Christians from all over Austin and the anointing of my head with oil as a bringer of the Good News.
God knows what I need before I need it and provides EVERYTHING I NEED when I seek Him first. I want to remember this night forever!!!!
Psalm 37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. (God gave me this verse on the bank of the Changuinola River in Panama in October, as I was waiting for my turn to get into a dugout canoe which would take me deep into the jungle for our church-planting mission. I had a moment to rest and marvel at the gorgeous sunset, so I popped open my Bible and this is the verse I turned to.)
Friday, January 11, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Disclaimer: I'm NOT God's gift to missions!
Hi guys,
I don't know exactly how to communicate this, so I will just clumsily muddle through it, but I just wanted to go on record on this blog stating that I know I am not God's gift to missions in any way shape or form. I know I've been a big loud mouth telling everyone about what God's called me to do - you know fundraising, BLOGGING, and generally having a hard time shutting up about it. I've been singing His praises, so shoot me. :-) Seriously though, my prayer is that I don't often (or ever) yield to the temptation to sing my own praises, or to be prideful, or forget who it really is that makes the fruit grow.
Yes I feel called go on these mission trips, but no, I don't reeeeally have the slightest idea yet of why God called me specifically when he did or how he reeeeally plans to use me while I'm gone or when I get back home. Sure I can speculate, and have, but I know my place in this universe enough to know that there is some quote about mice and men that would be perfect to say right now.
I also fully aware of the fact that I am unworthy of this call and this work, and that without God the Father I can do nothing of lasting value. This week I began a 12-week study workbook called Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God. I'm sure many of you have heard of it or done it yourselves. I can already tell that it's going to deepen my walk with God immensely. I wanted something interactive to anchor my daily devotions while I'm overseas and had heard great things about this workbook. So anyway, yesterday's lesson really hit home on this topic of me being worthless on the mission field, or anywhere for that matter, if I am not connected to God's Spirit day-by-day and moment-by-moment. John 15:5 says "I am the vine and you are the branches. If a man remains in me, and me in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing." He is the singular source of life, here on earth and eternally! Everything else is dust.
Also, I realize that culturally I will be a fish out of water in a big way, and if anything I will represent a culture that most God-fearing Muslims find abhorrent. I am not trying to bring American culture or ways of thinking to them. I am only trying to be obedient to a call to be a vessel of Christ's love and truth, which are universal across all cultures, be it American or Egyptian, rich or poor, Christian or Muslim.
Many who call themselves "Christians" are just as trapped in the bondage of a dead "religion" of rote, meaningless, law-keeping as Muslims are. Christ's heart for the nations is for each individual be redeemed by the personal profession of faith in Him and subsequent eternal personal relationship. God promises in Phillipians 2: 8-10 "that at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." This is a promise that Christ died for and is Lord of all nations, regardless of race, religion, or creed, whatever creed means. My point? --- that this is personal, not cultural. This is heart-to-heart humanity connecting together to the divine. As I "go" over there with a circumcised heart, I go with strength given by the Father, for I am in no way capable of doing anything of value on my own.
Speaking of value, on Monday morning God led me in scripture to I Corinthians 13. Yes, it's the passage on love that you've heard read at nearly every wedding you've ever been to. Here's what struck me as "new" upon reading it on Monday. Verse 13 says, "Three things will last forever - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love." Some translations says these things "will remain". What struck me is that God never minces words... in fact he chooses his words very precisely to communicate perfectly as he intends. He didn't say "Three OF THE THINGS that will last forever", he said "Three things WILL last forever." That means those are the only things that are of eternal value! Everything else is perishable and finite and subject to death. I want my life to be about faith, hope, and love.
God is working all around us at all times, and is asking us to take part in his eternal work. For me, while I'm in Oman, Yemen, Ethiopia, Egypt, and India, the descriptions of the actual tasks I will do are ultimately irrelevant. "Work" by human definition is not what God's after -- he's after the human heart. The important questions for me to ask myself in each moment will be more like this:
--Is what I'm doing/saying right now of eternal value?
--Am I investing in the people I encounter in eternal ways, connecting with them in the areas of faith, hope, and love, whether in big or small, direct or indirect ways?
--How is God at work here, and how can I plug in to that to glorify Him, not myself?
PLEASE PRAY that throughout my time away I would learn to be supernaturally sensitive to the Spirit's voice and that my heart would be connected to God's heart through the power of Christ Jesus. Pray that I would be trained to remain in the Spirit as my second nature, closer than my own skin, and that upon my return I would continue to walk in that light.
I don't know exactly how to communicate this, so I will just clumsily muddle through it, but I just wanted to go on record on this blog stating that I know I am not God's gift to missions in any way shape or form. I know I've been a big loud mouth telling everyone about what God's called me to do - you know fundraising, BLOGGING, and generally having a hard time shutting up about it. I've been singing His praises, so shoot me. :-) Seriously though, my prayer is that I don't often (or ever) yield to the temptation to sing my own praises, or to be prideful, or forget who it really is that makes the fruit grow.
Yes I feel called go on these mission trips, but no, I don't reeeeally have the slightest idea yet of why God called me specifically when he did or how he reeeeally plans to use me while I'm gone or when I get back home. Sure I can speculate, and have, but I know my place in this universe enough to know that there is some quote about mice and men that would be perfect to say right now.
I also fully aware of the fact that I am unworthy of this call and this work, and that without God the Father I can do nothing of lasting value. This week I began a 12-week study workbook called Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God. I'm sure many of you have heard of it or done it yourselves. I can already tell that it's going to deepen my walk with God immensely. I wanted something interactive to anchor my daily devotions while I'm overseas and had heard great things about this workbook. So anyway, yesterday's lesson really hit home on this topic of me being worthless on the mission field, or anywhere for that matter, if I am not connected to God's Spirit day-by-day and moment-by-moment. John 15:5 says "I am the vine and you are the branches. If a man remains in me, and me in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing." He is the singular source of life, here on earth and eternally! Everything else is dust.
Also, I realize that culturally I will be a fish out of water in a big way, and if anything I will represent a culture that most God-fearing Muslims find abhorrent. I am not trying to bring American culture or ways of thinking to them. I am only trying to be obedient to a call to be a vessel of Christ's love and truth, which are universal across all cultures, be it American or Egyptian, rich or poor, Christian or Muslim.
Many who call themselves "Christians" are just as trapped in the bondage of a dead "religion" of rote, meaningless, law-keeping as Muslims are. Christ's heart for the nations is for each individual be redeemed by the personal profession of faith in Him and subsequent eternal personal relationship. God promises in Phillipians 2: 8-10 "that at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." This is a promise that Christ died for and is Lord of all nations, regardless of race, religion, or creed, whatever creed means. My point? --- that this is personal, not cultural. This is heart-to-heart humanity connecting together to the divine. As I "go" over there with a circumcised heart, I go with strength given by the Father, for I am in no way capable of doing anything of value on my own.
Speaking of value, on Monday morning God led me in scripture to I Corinthians 13. Yes, it's the passage on love that you've heard read at nearly every wedding you've ever been to. Here's what struck me as "new" upon reading it on Monday. Verse 13 says, "Three things will last forever - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love." Some translations says these things "will remain". What struck me is that God never minces words... in fact he chooses his words very precisely to communicate perfectly as he intends. He didn't say "Three OF THE THINGS that will last forever", he said "Three things WILL last forever." That means those are the only things that are of eternal value! Everything else is perishable and finite and subject to death. I want my life to be about faith, hope, and love.
God is working all around us at all times, and is asking us to take part in his eternal work. For me, while I'm in Oman, Yemen, Ethiopia, Egypt, and India, the descriptions of the actual tasks I will do are ultimately irrelevant. "Work" by human definition is not what God's after -- he's after the human heart. The important questions for me to ask myself in each moment will be more like this:
--Is what I'm doing/saying right now of eternal value?
--Am I investing in the people I encounter in eternal ways, connecting with them in the areas of faith, hope, and love, whether in big or small, direct or indirect ways?
--How is God at work here, and how can I plug in to that to glorify Him, not myself?
PLEASE PRAY that throughout my time away I would learn to be supernaturally sensitive to the Spirit's voice and that my heart would be connected to God's heart through the power of Christ Jesus. Pray that I would be trained to remain in the Spirit as my second nature, closer than my own skin, and that upon my return I would continue to walk in that light.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Prayers Answered - Rats and Renters
Just a quick post to say praise God for a couple big things!
1) The seemingly perfect renter has come my way! He and his wife are moving here from Seattle. They are empty-nesters with three grown kids. They even had a glowing letter of recommendation from their current landlord in Seattle!
NEW PRAYER REQUEST - I will need the help of 100 angels (and friends!) to get my whole place packed up in ONE WEEK before I go. Pray for many hands to help and for my sanity to stay in tact with such quick logistics happening.
2) The rat problem is being handled quickly and painlessly. Because I have recessed lighting they were able to use those holes to put the traps in the ceiling, instead of having to bust holes in the drywall...yay!! That's a huge relief. I was stressed about getting holes fixed in a way that looked like nothing had ever happened. They baited the traps last night without setting them, just to make the little monsters take the bait without fear. They came back this morning and sure enough, all the bait had been eaten! So, they rebaited and set the traps. Ahhhhh, DIE SUCKERS! Normally I'm a big animal lover, but in this case not so much! I found out that the source of the problem is two units down where they are still doing construction on the roof and had a hole where they were getting in, so they were able to run along the attick into my walls. Supposedly that hole has been patched up, so there shouldn't be ongoing problems.
Thank you for your continued prayers!
1) The seemingly perfect renter has come my way! He and his wife are moving here from Seattle. They are empty-nesters with three grown kids. They even had a glowing letter of recommendation from their current landlord in Seattle!
NEW PRAYER REQUEST - I will need the help of 100 angels (and friends!) to get my whole place packed up in ONE WEEK before I go. Pray for many hands to help and for my sanity to stay in tact with such quick logistics happening.
2) The rat problem is being handled quickly and painlessly. Because I have recessed lighting they were able to use those holes to put the traps in the ceiling, instead of having to bust holes in the drywall...yay!! That's a huge relief. I was stressed about getting holes fixed in a way that looked like nothing had ever happened. They baited the traps last night without setting them, just to make the little monsters take the bait without fear. They came back this morning and sure enough, all the bait had been eaten! So, they rebaited and set the traps. Ahhhhh, DIE SUCKERS! Normally I'm a big animal lover, but in this case not so much! I found out that the source of the problem is two units down where they are still doing construction on the roof and had a hole where they were getting in, so they were able to run along the attick into my walls. Supposedly that hole has been patched up, so there shouldn't be ongoing problems.
Thank you for your continued prayers!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Spiritual breakthroughs this weekend
Tonight I ask you, My Faithful Readers...(or should I call you my Blogsters?...or my Bloginators or Blogifers?...no that's too Hollywood)...anyway, can I ask you guys to please start praying more frequently and more fervently for me, for a covering blanket of God's protection to be around me and my family? Please also pray for my heightened discernment and wisdom pertaining to all aspects of my life, yet without me going to any extremes of anxious worry or hypervigilance. Pray for supernatural faith for me as the enemy might use this last two weeks before my trip to hurl some stumbling blocks my way. I claimed Psalm 91 tonight in Christ's name, reading it like a prayer, which gave me tremendous comfort and faith in the power of the Almighty -- my Refuge and my Rescuer.
Yesterday late afternoon on a walk around Town Lake, the Holy Spirit led me into a deeper level of community with him. I feel He's gifting me with deeper faith right now -- a gift I did not earn but that he is generously providing for me during this important time. In Isaiah 9:6 he is called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace. Yesterday on my walk it was the Wonderful Counselor who showed up, as I began praying for peace in Kenya. I felt him gently but persistently nudging me to do something for this part of his beloved kingdom that I felt required a personal sacrifice I didn't want to make. I struggled long and hard against him, but he loved me through the process of me battling against him. As I battled, one part off my mind kept going to the thought of how many dozens of times I have sung the song "I just wanna go where you want me to go, I just wanna do what you want me to do," yet at that moment while being faced with the holy spirit nudging me to take immediate action on behalf of my brothers and sisters, here was how my reaction played out:
1) tried to stop praying and pretend I never started
2) tried to ignore God and wait and see if the sense of the spirit nudging me would go away
3) tried to talk him out of the request using all forms of rationalizing and guilt-tripping
4) threw a last resort tempter tantrum accusing him of being a meany fun-stealer
5) immaturely pouted saying "fine, I'll do it, but I'm doing it MY WAY."
Yes, really did all that and even cried, out loud, while making subsequent demands on how and why I would do it my way. Luckily no one was walking where I was at that moment, and luckily we worship a loving and patient God. We also worship a God with a heck of a sense of comedic timing. As I was pouting a girl walked by with a t-shirt on that said in big letters "got God?" I laughed and being unable to resist the love for God that was growing inside of me I finally released my grip and decided to trust him and said aloud a joyful faith-filled YES!!!
It was a breakthrough moment for me spiritually, in self-sacrifice and in stepping out in the two greatest commands, Love God and Love Others. I have done a lot of reflection and introspection about it over the past 24 hours, and of course while I couldn't possibly get the whole story of all my thoughts or even that story onto this blog, I will nutshell it by saying I realized that I have shoved those two greatest commandments aside for most of my life. Thankfully God has chosen to plant and grow me at Gateway, a church where fruit of God's love and grace is alive and well, where Loving God and Loving Others are talked about and lived out regularly. Yet the commandments nearest and dearest to God's own heart have not been closest to mine, in how I live out my moment-to-moment decisions. I'm not talking about the big decisions that people see. Those are easier. I'm talking about the little ones that no one sees -- no one but you and God.
I am overwhemlingly humbled by His kind way of showing me my own blindess and making his beautiful words real to me. He seems to know just when to reveal a new truth to me in a new way...just when you think you know Him he gets better and cooler and awesomer! When the weekend began I had head knowledge of Love God, Love Others and now I have a new depth of heart knowledge from my experience. There was such amazing life in the moment of saying yes to God! At the actual moment it happened my heart released and I said out loud, "Ok I'll do it!!!" and then happened to turn to directly toward the Zilker tree of lights, upon which my eyes went immediately to the star at the top. When they saw the star they were filled with joy! Matthew 2:10 The star was such sweet confirmation for me, just like it was for the wise men 2,000 years ago. It was a reassuring sign that the Savior, MY Savior, was near.
******************************
Even as I sit here tonight typing this out and rethinking it and praying and referencing scripture and being led by the Spirit to still more unexpected scripture and truth, it's been a time of deep contemplation, which the Holy Spirit has used to bring me to a place of even greater understanding of his promises for our redemption and true life offered in Him. He has also used this evening to teach me about sacrifice. This is where I humbly confide in you that I now realize that last night I actually misunderstood my role in the sacrifice. I believed I was offering a sacrifice in order to love God and love others, not realizing I was actually offering obedience.
There is a distinct difference between sacrifice and obedience. My action was obedience to the Spirit, which is why the fruit of my action was JOY and LIFE and a feeling of overwhelming LOVE, because I am under the law of the Spirit now, not of the law! For the law was given through Moses, but God's unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ. John 1:17 The promise of his love was fullfilled the very moment I chose obedience because of an earlier moment in my life when he made me free by his grace. But God showed us his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners Romans 5:8. And that was possible because of an even earlier moment when Christ made the ultimate sacrifice for us 2,000 years ago, the moment when the temple curtain was torn in two, when JESUS paid the price for sinners to be redeemed by grace through faith to be able to boldly and confidently approach the thrown of God -- now THAT was the moment that took away any and every need on our part to make sacrifices! Jesus asks for our joyful obedience, not our sacrifice!! No sacrifice we could ever make would ever be worthy or sufficient anyway. We humans (I'm lumping the rest of you in here with me) like to revert back to the safety of the letter of the law, instead of trusting the Spirit of the law of Christ's love. The problem is, in the safety of the letter of the law there is no life. Only in moment-by-moment heart-pounding obedience to the Spirit's voice can life be found.
I RUN IN THE PATH OF YOUR COMMANDS, FOR YOU HAVE SET MY HEART FREE!!! Psalm 119:32
That's all for tonight folks. God has been so good and kind and wonderful to me this weekend. If you've stuck with me til now, then I thank you for letting me share this with you.
Love,
Sooz
Yesterday late afternoon on a walk around Town Lake, the Holy Spirit led me into a deeper level of community with him. I feel He's gifting me with deeper faith right now -- a gift I did not earn but that he is generously providing for me during this important time. In Isaiah 9:6 he is called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, and Prince of Peace. Yesterday on my walk it was the Wonderful Counselor who showed up, as I began praying for peace in Kenya. I felt him gently but persistently nudging me to do something for this part of his beloved kingdom that I felt required a personal sacrifice I didn't want to make. I struggled long and hard against him, but he loved me through the process of me battling against him. As I battled, one part off my mind kept going to the thought of how many dozens of times I have sung the song "I just wanna go where you want me to go, I just wanna do what you want me to do," yet at that moment while being faced with the holy spirit nudging me to take immediate action on behalf of my brothers and sisters, here was how my reaction played out:
1) tried to stop praying and pretend I never started
2) tried to ignore God and wait and see if the sense of the spirit nudging me would go away
3) tried to talk him out of the request using all forms of rationalizing and guilt-tripping
4) threw a last resort tempter tantrum accusing him of being a meany fun-stealer
5) immaturely pouted saying "fine, I'll do it, but I'm doing it MY WAY."
Yes, really did all that and even cried, out loud, while making subsequent demands on how and why I would do it my way. Luckily no one was walking where I was at that moment, and luckily we worship a loving and patient God. We also worship a God with a heck of a sense of comedic timing. As I was pouting a girl walked by with a t-shirt on that said in big letters "got God?" I laughed and being unable to resist the love for God that was growing inside of me I finally released my grip and decided to trust him and said aloud a joyful faith-filled YES!!!
It was a breakthrough moment for me spiritually, in self-sacrifice and in stepping out in the two greatest commands, Love God and Love Others. I have done a lot of reflection and introspection about it over the past 24 hours, and of course while I couldn't possibly get the whole story of all my thoughts or even that story onto this blog, I will nutshell it by saying I realized that I have shoved those two greatest commandments aside for most of my life. Thankfully God has chosen to plant and grow me at Gateway, a church where fruit of God's love and grace is alive and well, where Loving God and Loving Others are talked about and lived out regularly. Yet the commandments nearest and dearest to God's own heart have not been closest to mine, in how I live out my moment-to-moment decisions. I'm not talking about the big decisions that people see. Those are easier. I'm talking about the little ones that no one sees -- no one but you and God.
I am overwhemlingly humbled by His kind way of showing me my own blindess and making his beautiful words real to me. He seems to know just when to reveal a new truth to me in a new way...just when you think you know Him he gets better and cooler and awesomer! When the weekend began I had head knowledge of Love God, Love Others and now I have a new depth of heart knowledge from my experience. There was such amazing life in the moment of saying yes to God! At the actual moment it happened my heart released and I said out loud, "Ok I'll do it!!!" and then happened to turn to directly toward the Zilker tree of lights, upon which my eyes went immediately to the star at the top. When they saw the star they were filled with joy! Matthew 2:10 The star was such sweet confirmation for me, just like it was for the wise men 2,000 years ago. It was a reassuring sign that the Savior, MY Savior, was near.
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Even as I sit here tonight typing this out and rethinking it and praying and referencing scripture and being led by the Spirit to still more unexpected scripture and truth, it's been a time of deep contemplation, which the Holy Spirit has used to bring me to a place of even greater understanding of his promises for our redemption and true life offered in Him. He has also used this evening to teach me about sacrifice. This is where I humbly confide in you that I now realize that last night I actually misunderstood my role in the sacrifice. I believed I was offering a sacrifice in order to love God and love others, not realizing I was actually offering obedience.
There is a distinct difference between sacrifice and obedience. My action was obedience to the Spirit, which is why the fruit of my action was JOY and LIFE and a feeling of overwhelming LOVE, because I am under the law of the Spirit now, not of the law! For the law was given through Moses, but God's unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ. John 1:17 The promise of his love was fullfilled the very moment I chose obedience because of an earlier moment in my life when he made me free by his grace. But God showed us his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners Romans 5:8. And that was possible because of an even earlier moment when Christ made the ultimate sacrifice for us 2,000 years ago, the moment when the temple curtain was torn in two, when JESUS paid the price for sinners to be redeemed by grace through faith to be able to boldly and confidently approach the thrown of God -- now THAT was the moment that took away any and every need on our part to make sacrifices! Jesus asks for our joyful obedience, not our sacrifice!! No sacrifice we could ever make would ever be worthy or sufficient anyway. We humans (I'm lumping the rest of you in here with me) like to revert back to the safety of the letter of the law, instead of trusting the Spirit of the law of Christ's love. The problem is, in the safety of the letter of the law there is no life. Only in moment-by-moment heart-pounding obedience to the Spirit's voice can life be found.
I RUN IN THE PATH OF YOUR COMMANDS, FOR YOU HAVE SET MY HEART FREE!!! Psalm 119:32
That's all for tonight folks. God has been so good and kind and wonderful to me this weekend. If you've stuck with me til now, then I thank you for letting me share this with you.
Love,
Sooz
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